It’s been three weeks now since I last saw Nancy. I feel today that yes, I am back and that I have something for you.
I always loved her very strongly, in the same way it seems that she loved many others and in the same way I’m sure, that many others love.
I have been to her funeral.
I have looked into the hole where she lay.
I have read her name under ‘Deaths’.
Even now as I write, I feel again that relieving sensation of breathing. Fear and anxiety breathed out.
I’d expected not to cope. I feared these events but the reality was I had come so far that it really was all right.
And so she went.
That it happened on a day everyone had arrived at accepting her death, still amazes me.
Had her life been a day longer it would have been drawn out. Shorter and she would have been taken from us.
Instead it was all so perfectly timed.
And she said that I was dramatic.
On the morning, a dark tempest rolled across town and hit at the hospital in a demanding breath,
Bringing rain that pelted till the hour of her funeral.
And her very death itself; graceful; polite and heartbreaking.
Devices for a good story seen time and time again and yet unlike any other context.
What is missing from the others is an incredible awareness of spiritual support.
Of a presence that can empower you.
She turned her head towards me and opened her eyes wide and forcefully.
I stood up, bent closer to her face, placed my hand on her arm and said, “It’s all right Mum. Tim’s here”.
She stared hard at me a little longer, turned her head back and began to die.
It was only then that I realised what was going on.
I remember feeling an incredible and physical shock.
The nurse rushed in and then the colours fell.
I was hit by a flow of joy and there was an incredible oozing of colour in the room.
I felt ecstatic.
I was at her side, rubbing her shoulder, whispering in her ear,
“Good on you Mum, you did it! You did it!”
She was doing the most amazing thing I’d ever seen her do.
She was changing, not dying.
When it was over and she had gone
I was left with great sadness and I felt empty.
I know no more than this. I don’t know what has happened to her.
I don’t know where she’s gone, I could only go so far.
But I do know that everything’s all right.
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